Last year, shortly after finding out that my husband had relapsed, I was expecting a final paycheck from a job he had lost for a dirty UA. There were bills to be paid, and they were not gonna wait for anything. Not to mention he had cleaned out the bank account of a humble $200 that was there just a few days before. So I waited and waited for that direct deposit and it never showed. It wasn't until I threatened to go to the office and raise hell that my husband admitted to me that he had lost his job a week earlier than I knew. The whole week I thought he was getting up and going to work, he was actually going to get high. And there was no direct deposit coming in that day.
He hasn't really been able to hold a job since then. He worked two hours at a pizza joint before walking out to get high with a "friend" he ran into there. Several weeks later, he started stealing to support his habit. He'd steal clothes, beer, laundry detergent... anything he could fit into his pants to sell or trade. He'd even sell clothes that I would buy for him. Keep in mind I never buy him anything new. All the clothes I buy him are from yard sales or second hand stores. But since I try to buy him nice things, he can sometimes sell them.
That reminds me of a really nice wool coat I found for him at a yard sale. It was the dead of summer, but it was only $3, and of good quality - name brand, and I knew it would come in handy later in the year. This was before the relapse, so I bought it for him. Months later, when cold weather started coming in, I asked him about it only to find out he had traded it for a rock.
In January, he got caught stealing beer and went to jail. I couldn't afford to get him out, so he sat there for two months. He swore he was done, and that he had seen the error of his ways. He seemed genuinely changed. Really. I scraped up enough money to bail him out, thinking he was a changed man. He got home, and he was super. He cleaned the house spotless. He was reading his Bible first thing in the mornings. He even confronted one of his old smoking buddies and said, "we're serving God now. Don't come around the house no more, I'm not getting high again." But then one day, he asked for some cash to join the gym. That's all it took. He used it to get high.
Just a week after I bailed him out, he ended up back in jail on the same charge, but was released a few days later on what I'll call a technicality. I didn't know he was getting out, so I had put some money on his books that day. He got out and didn't even bother calling me. He left the jail on foot, and took his $25 from his books to buy crack.
Two weeks ago, he got a job that consisted of 24-hr call and lots of hard labor. We thought it would keep him out of trouble and, possibly, off crack. It doesn't. He hasn't gotten called out on a job in three days and I wonder if he quit or got fired but hasn't told me. I ask him regularly and he claims to still be employed. It's possible, I guess. I won't ask him again though because the last time I did he got upset and said it irritates him.
It seems pretty obvious that I should just make him leave, right? That's not so easy, though. I tell him to leave and to not come home, but he still does. And when someone's knocking on your door at 5 am, how do you ignore it? I've tried and he doesn't stop knocking. Crackheads are very, very persistent. I've seen him knock on windows and go behind backyard fences just to wake up his dealer. As I lay there in bed, trying to convince myself not to open the door, I start to get afraid. What if he gets really angry and the longer I wait the angrier he gets? Then it just seems easier to let him in and start the cycle all over again.
Today, he said he had spoken with his boss, and was told he could come do some yardwork so he could get some hours in. I didn't really believe him, but I figured it was worth a shot. I took him there, but when I drove back by a few minutes later, I saw him leaving. He said he was just headed to the store to buy Gatorade for "the guys" with a $20 that his boss had given him. I didn't believe it when he told me, and I sure don't believe it now. I'm thinking there are a couple of possibilities. First, he took that $20 and used it to get high instead. OR... there was no $20. Instead, he took out an advance on the measly 30 hours he has from last week's paycard, and is out now, as I type, getting high. Either way, I just know he's smoking because he won't answer my calls.
He's not even trying. And even if he was trying, he's losing.
This is my Wednesday morning rambling. I'll write a confession later.
-J
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Please be respectful. My battle is hard enough.